Official Rules of Chess Modified to Include More Physical Violence after Protest at Mackenzie

By: Beth Banger

Students were outraged after online chess was declared Mackenzie’s new official sport in April. After a month of students protesting that the official sport must involve physical activity, the International Chess Federation (FIDE) changed the rules so that players would have to “bang their heads against a wall” after every move.

Although students are generally happy about the change, some are concerned with the standardization of head-banging. Student Nerdee Dhorck commented, “How will we know if one player is hitting their head harder than the others? What if one student has a softer wall? I’m just concerned about the potential inequalities here.” However, these concerns are largely invalid because, according to Mackenzie, “He sucks at chess and is kind of a loser.”

Mackenzie sports officials are praising FIDE for their innovative solution. The VP of Praising quite enthusiastically reported, “Chess always was and always will be a game where you really have to use your head. FIDE did an amazing job of introducing physical violence while staying true to the main themes of the game.”

Several students who were out celebrating reported seeing world chess champion Cagnus Marelson crying on the ground and covered in bruises. Concussion rates around the world have also spiked.

Popular Netflix Show “The Queen’s Gambit” is being remade to feature the new rules. The main character, Beth Harmon, will now have a thicker forehead. Also, a new scene will be added to show off Harmon’s head-banging skills and establish her as a true banging prodigy.

No actual chess players were available for comment, as they were hospitalized.