June 2021 Issue[ View as PDF ]
Table of Contents
- Zroom Approves of Move to Remote Learning
- Mackenzie Announces Formation of Third Newspaper Because "Two Is Not Enough"
- THE BIG PICTURE
- Online Class Embarassment
- Teacher Denies Virtual Student Access to Washroom
- Summer Break Priorities
- Doug Ford Announces Privatization of Toronto District School Board
- Official Rules of Chess Modified to Include More Physical Violence after Protest at Mackenzie
- New Student Council President Makes Mackenzie Great Again
TORONTO, ON - This morning, health officials at the communication technology company Zroom held a press conference in response to the Ministry of Education’s decision to move all students to remote learning. During the press conference, the company lauded the government’s decision and reaffirmed its commitment to supporting online learners.
“We are pleased to see the government put the health and safety of students first after seeing the sharp rise in COVID cases recently,” stated Dr. Di Seet, Zroom’s Chief Health and Safety Officer. “The Ministry of Education truly cares about its students.”
“Together, we will get through this. Zroom will always be committed to connecting students and teachers during this challenging time…” declared Marke Zucckers, Chief Online Learning Officer at Zroom. “…for a low annual fee of $119.99 per teacher.”
However, some critics, such as the mental health advocates at the furniture retail company IKEYAH, have raised concerns about the decision to move to remote learning.
“Our students have already suffered through so much this year due to remote learning. There are not enough mental health resources to meet the demand from youth, and I fear that this drastic move by the government will put even more strain on the system,” said Geoff Bayzose, IKEYAH’s Chief Mental Health and Wellness Officer. “The best thing we can do for students is to get them back into their IKEYAH-furnished classrooms. New studies from our Department of Unbiased Research even show that our deluxe steel blackboards have a calming effect on developing minds.”
On a completely unrelated note, Zroom shares on the NASCAQ rallied to another all-time high shortly after the ministry’s decision.
TORONTO, ON - Today, the Mackenzie Bureau of Maximal News Distribution has proudly announced the founding of a third newspaper, the Springbok, which is set to launch in approximately two and a half weeks. “We, the Mackenzie Bureau of Maximal News Distribution, are proud to announce the founding of the Springbok,” Bureau director Meena Amarnath told reporters from Mackenzie’s other two newspapers at the press conference. “I, along with the rest of the Bureau, are confident that the Springbok will be a welcome addition to the school community.”
When asked about why the Springbok was being formed, deputy-principal Jimmy Mackels took the stand. “We all know the vital importance of high school newspapers,” deputy-principal Mackels said. “Without school newspapers, the student body would be as uninformed as those Americans who can’t even find their own country on a map. Unfortunately, here at Mackenzie we are seeing a major shortage of news, and levels of unawareness are rising at an unsustainable rate. Turns out, no high school can cope with only two newspapers.”
Not everyone is happy about the addition of the Springbok however. “How could the school’s administration approve this? They are trying to undermine the legitimacy of Mackenzie’s only real newspaper, the Lyon.” said the Lyon’s chief editor, Simmy Farrokhzad, on condition he remain anonymous. “We are already censored,” he added plaintively, “and we’ve been so obedient this year, so obedient.” “Same here,” agreed the Flounder’s head, Jocko Namer, who also wished to remain anonymous.
According to an insider report from the Mackenzie Bureau of Insider Reports, the Mackenzie Bureau of Maximal News Distribution is already making plans for a fourth newspaper, the Barn Swallow.
TORONTO ON - Last Tuesday Mr. Oswald, in an unprecedented sociopolitical move, decided to not allow Jack Ghitt to visit his washroom during Mr. Oswald’s lesson which was being held over Zoom.
“It was a matter of setting the correct precedent.” explained Teacher minority leader Robert Harvey. “If he allowed this proposal to pass then what would be next? Allowing students to drink water? Chew gum? Wear baseball caps inside?”.
Ghitt’s immediate reaction to his proposed washroom excursion being shot down was to launch into a nearly 16 minute-long filibuster, in which he delayed Mr. Oswald’s decision to pass up until the end of class.
“Jack Ghitt made the best of the situation. As it is delayed until the next class, Ghitt now has the option to appeal the decision through the student activity council,” commented the Flounder’s senior political analyst, Moe Ronn. “Ghitt’s fight for the right to urinate in virtual class could potentially be the catalyst for change at Mackenzie.”
Some pro-student lobbyists have already begun to express their discontent with the Teacher Union’s decision. “This was an unnecessary show of the power that, frankly, the teachers should not have over our school-society,” said lobbyist Lee Keybum.
Similar sentiments could not be heard across the aisle. “This proposal would have put unnecessary pressure on that class’s infrastructure and threaten tens of potential jobs,” said TOP leader Pierre Pantz, “These policies, however unpopular they are… they exist for a reason.”
Non-partisans are advocating for more communication between the two sides. “If the student had just peed before the class, we wouldn’t be in this democratic mess.” said Moe Thafuka.
A referendum is already being sought after by nearly 43% of the student body. The vote would seek to regulate the teachers’ power in a classroom setting.
Toronto ON - Following a ribbon closing ceremony of a local golf course, Doug Ford announced plans to immediately privatize the Toronto District School Board to increase Provincial Government revenue.
Ford insisted the decision was made following advice from the best public education experts: “My friends, these are unprecedented times. Everything is on the table, and I will not hesitate to do what’s necessary. That is why, effective immediately, I am proud to announce the TDSB will be initiating plans to fully privatize by the end of this quarter.”
Economic experts were giddy, forecasting massive profits, and opportunities for businesses to shatter new ethical boundaries through corporate sponsorship. Coincidentally, McDonald’s simultaneously announced Friday that they will be introducing a comprehensive healthy eating curriculum, while Marlboro will create an anti-smoking curriculum for all Ontario K-12 learners.
The Flounder’s most recent data indicates that 99.8% of public education experts disagree with the decision, citing supposedly important factors such as quality of education and misaligned interests. On an unrelated note, The Flounder’s new corporate sponsor, the Ford Family Foundation weighed in, stating, “Folks, Ontario is home to the best education system in North America, and with this new decision, Ontario will also be home to the most profitable education system in North America!”
Ford closed the Q&A period declaring, “I will not be questioned by a bunch of yahoos!” As he left, Ford could be heard murmuring, “God bless the people of Ontario…”
Students were outraged after online chess was declared Mackenzie’s new official sport in April. After a month of students protesting that the official sport must involve physical activity, the International Chess Federation (FIDE) changed the rules so that players would have to “bang their heads against a wall” after every move.
Although students are generally happy about the change, some are concerned with the standardization of head-banging. Student Nerdee Dhorck commented, “How will we know if one player is hitting their head harder than the others? What if one student has a softer wall? I’m just concerned about the potential inequalities here.” However, these concerns are largely invalid because, according to Mackenzie, “He sucks at chess and is kind of a loser.”
Mackenzie sports officials are praising FIDE for their innovative solution. The VP of Praising quite enthusiastically reported, “Chess always was and always will be a game where you really have to use your head. FIDE did an amazing job of introducing physical violence while staying true to the main themes of the game.”
Several students who were out celebrating reported seeing world chess champion Cagnus Marelson crying on the ground and covered in bruises. Concussion rates around the world have also spiked.
Popular Netflix Show “The Queen’s Gambit” is being remade to feature the new rules. The main character, Beth Harmon, will now have a thicker forehead. Also, a new scene will be added to show off Harmon’s head-banging skills and establish her as a true banging prodigy.
No actual chess players were available for comment, as they were hospitalized.
After extensive scientific research from the school’s yoga department, lead yogi Reggie ÜnÜnÜn discovered that a new strain of Covid-19 had accidentally Been faxed to all memBers of the current student council, thus requiring a premature inauguration of the 2021-2022 student council in the midst of quadmester 4.
Of all the new memBers in office, the student council president, Barsh Bharma, has had the greatest impact. Firstly, many disapprove of his election process. Barsh Bharma actually placed last in the presidential vote; however all other candidates had accidentally Been faxed a mountain, thus defaulting Barsh Bharma as president.
Beyond his controversial election, Barsh Bharma’s campaign promises have also Been the suBject of heated deBate. New air conditioning and monthly P.A. days were promised. Barsh Bharma first Began By installing a state of the art industrial fan in every classroom. As for the P.A. days, the Canadian Government had accidentally Been faxed a new legislation that voided the Gregorian calendar in favour of a new Bharmanian calendar, which had an 8th day of the week known as Barshday. Barsh Bharma took advantage of this fortuitous accident By making one Barshday a month a P.A. day.
Finally, there’s the issue of Barsh Bharma’s new policies. He declared that any occurrence of the letter “B” in text must Be capitalized in LoBster font. Any student who disoBeys will fail english. Additionally, any staff who disoBey will also fail english. Furthermore, all cluB Budgets have Been cut down 99% to cover the 9001% increase in school fax machine use. It is unknown why fax rates have recently skyrocketed, But Barsh Bharma Blames gloBal warming.
While Barsh Bharma’s presidency has had mixed reception (some hate it while others really hate it), no one has Been aBle to prevent these changes as no denizen of Mackenzie is 100% sure what the student council president actually can/cannot do. However, according to a trusted source, Barsh Bharma’s approval ratings have recently skyrocketed ever since he created his wikipedia account, so there’s no douBt that the school is ultimately in capaBle hands.