April 2021 Issue[ View as PDF ]
Table of Contents
- A Typical Easter
- Unemployment Projections Increase 2000% After Mackenzie Class Fails Colouring Assignment
- New Report From Internal Watchdog Estimates Photo Day Delays to Last Until 2025
- TDSB Attracts International Attention For Mysterious COVID-19 Situation
- TDSB Cancels Exams After Lack of Cheating at Mackenzie Deemed "Suspicious"
- The Life Cycle of a Forgotten Easter Egg
- Mackenzie unveils new Cleaning technology
- This Month in Pictures
TORONTO, ON - This afternoon, the Student Economic Council (SEC) released an update to their 10-year unemployment projections after a Grade 9 science class at Mackenzie failed an assignment to colour in the groups of the periodic table. Instead of colouring the noble gases light purple, the students coloured them dark purple. This resulted in every student getting a 94% on the assignment, an “effective fail” according to the SEC.
The updated projections are grim: the previous average unemployment rate of 5% has now increased by 2000%. In addition, student researchers predict the collapse of entire sectors of the economy as well as mass homelessness occurring over the next 10 years.
“This will cause the greatest economic disaster humanity has ever seen,” said SEC president Silverman Sachs. “A failed assignment is indicative of a poor work ethic and low IQ. That further indicates that these students will never get into university, which will prevent them from being employed in any manner whatsoever.”
Upon seeing the updated unemployment projections, some students have already begun preparing for their impending doom. “I’m learning how to make animal balloons,” said a student in the aforementioned Grade 9 science class. “It’s going to look great on my application to clown college.”
Toronto ON - “Don’t expect photo day until at least 2025,” shared an anonymous source from Mackenzie’s Ministry of Scheduling and Delaying during an exclusive interview with the Flounder. When questioned about photo day for new and graduating students, they shared the following:
Most areas of Toronto were still in the grey zone, and grey isn’t even a real colour, so we thought let’s push it until we’re in the red zone. I don’t know about you, but I think red is a pretty ugly colour; therefore, we thought about the blue zone. Obviously blue is fairly controversial, so that just won’t do. At this point, we’re currently in talks with the Ontario government to move towards a more nuanced RGB colour coded system to simplify things. If all goes to plan, we’re hoping to have photo day once we reach the (64, 235, 61) zone, which by our estimates should roll around in 2025.
As a response, Mackenzie’s Ministry of Disapproval disapproved of the plan, claiming “it’s far too ambitious a timeline”. Meanwhile, the Ministry of Positive Encouragement praised the ambitious timeline set out by the Ministry of Scheduling and Delaying; although, they could not resist also commending the Ministry of Disapproval for their firm stance on the issue.
“Students aren’t thrilled with the new 2025 target, but they approve of the adept analyses provided by the Ministries,” commented the Ministry of Student Affairs.
This is a developing story. More to come…
Toronto ON - Officials worldwide are now studying William Lyon Mackenzie C.I. to determine why COVID-19 cases still occur at the school, despite the mandatory daily survey, which verifies that staff and students do not have the virus. Top scientists from the World Health Organization thoroughly inspected the ServiceNow survey and are now at our school, labelled ground zero, investigating the situation.
“A crucial step in this situation is analyzing the source of viral transmission,” one WHO scientist informs us. “However, the survey is foolproof and robust, which confirms that the source of transmission cannot be from the students. There must be some other explanation.” The WHO has a few key hypotheses.
The most widely accepted hypothesis among the scientists is that class pets such as fish and hamsters are responsible for the spread of COVID-19. Scientists are thereby crafting ServiceNow forms that the pets can fill out. However, the entire TDSB budget for the heating system will be redirected. This should not be of much consequence though, especially considering the weather is getting much warmer.
Another hypothesis is that the school is the perfect COVID-19 breeding and mutations ground. Since the use of the school’s pool has been restricted due to COVID-19 protocols, there has also been no maintenance. Combine this with the intoxicating gas composed of Axe body spray and pre-pubescent body odour seeping from the boy’s locker room and it is likely this virus-forming cesspool catalyzed COVID-19 to re-evolve.
The solution would be to close the pool for a year while it is drained and deep-cleaned. However, various teacher departments around the school protest, stating that without the pool their synchronized swimming team will not even make it to nationals.
Expert investigation will continue until a definite source is identified and dealt with. In the meantime, a new policy of ‘extreme vigilance’ has been put in place at Mackenze, which will eliminate the majority of viral transmission.
This February, Mackenzie saw the lowest cheating rates ever after a survey conducted by teachers determined that no students cheated on their evaluations. TDSB officials were in shock when they saw this report in February’s issue of the flounder, as low cheating rates always suggest students are up to something. All exams were cancelled until the end of the year as a protective measure.
TDSB High Vice-President of the Presidents of Anti-Cheating Cheating Regulations, Chad Chad, says, “We don’t want to panic anyone, but this could turn out to be the greatest threat our country has ever faced. Students simply do not avoid cheating to such an extent; this behaviour is extremely dangerous.”
The TDSB’s leading theories suggest that this lack of cheating may be part of a larger, and extremely dangerous, plan. This plan may include drug consumption, burglary, murder, and Herbalife sales. According to Chad Chad, “What is especially concerning is that even though these students have stopped cheating completely, marks seem to be higher than ever, especially on multiple choice questions. This obviously suggests criminal behaviour.”
Mackenzie is calling on students to begin cheating again and put an end to their suspicious behaviour. The school’s Vice Principal of Cheating, who prefers to remain unnamed, says, “All students should immediately return to their behaviour as it was before this survey was conducted. Students who are honest on evaluations will be immediately suspended.”
To help fight the honesty at Mackenzie, teachers are now required to post answers online at least 48 hours before an evaluation. Additionally, teachers are being asked to lower the amount they monitor students, to conduct more of their evaluations online, and to make questions less application-based so that answers are easier to copy. Failure to comply with these procedures by a teacher will result in immediate termination, followed by a rehiring, and a second termination for dramatic effect and to set an example.
No students were available for comment.
TORONTO ON- In the height of the COVID-19 epidemic, Mackenzie Officials unveiled a new, patent-pending chemical technology that guarantees a safer and more hygienic learning space for all Mackenzie students.
Developed in-house, the new Mackenzie Cleaning Spray claims to kill 99% of all things it is sprayed on, including germs and bacteria. Developed in a collaboration between the Engineering Club and Chemistry Club, this new technology cost the school a mere $200,000 to develop.
“I feel so safe that I don’t wear a mask anymore” said one grade 9 student. “What a perceptible difference in the cleanliness of the school!”
Mackenzie Engineering Club released some before and after photos showcasing the power of this new technology.