March 2021 Issue[ View as PDF ]
Table of Contents
The former school, once known as William Lyon Mackenzie Collegiate Institute, has undergone a complete rebrand. After forgoing high school education, the new mining industrial conglomerate has quickly become the world’s leading mining site under the new name Official Best Association at Mining Activities, more commonly known as OBAMA.
This transition from mentoring to mining happened in early 2021, following the discovery of a valuable resource in Mackenzie–the textbook. According to Reggie ÜnÜnÜn, Mackenzie’s textbook treasurer and former president of Guatemala, Mackenzie houses over 1 quintillion textbooks with more reserves being found daily. The only thing overshadowing this bountiful supply is the immense value of this rare mineral.
According to Mackenzie staff, textbooks are “very expensive to replace”. Teachers have consistently had the valuation going from “costing $60” to “costing over $100” in a matter of a couple years. The inconsistent price point can only mean one thing: textbook trade value is exponentially skyrocketing! With an endless pool of resources that only seem to spike in value each year, it’s shocking Mackenzie didn’t switch to the mining industry sooner.
As the former school transitioned into the mining industry, the staff assumed management and brokerage roles while the students worked in the mines. The combination of a business savvy teaching staff comparable to r/wallstreetbets and the minor miners’ years of Minecraft training resulted in an overnight success for OBAMA.
It is believed once they settle their copyright lawsuit with the 44th president of the United States, they will go on to make roughly 69x Amazon’s profit in 2020. More schools may attempt to follow suit, however it is believed OBAMA will own most of Earth and 12% of Mars by June 2021, preventing the chance for competing industries to rise. “Some may not approve of buying planets, but reality is often disappointing. We will make sure the industry is perfectly balanced, as all things should be. This change will happen thanks to our great profits allowing reality to be whatever we want. Simply put, we are inevitable,” said CEO of OBAMA, Thanos Karr.
Toronto ON - On Friday, March 12th, Mackenzie had its first ever virtual lockdown rehearsal. This was in light of recent calls for increased student safety, and will protect students when the school is in crisis.
The High Council of Mackenzie Student Safety put the initiative seamlessly into effect. Virtual Mackenzie students rehearsed turning their lights off, hiding under desks, and sitting for 5 minutes. However, many students’ wifi routers connect to their lights, kicking many out of their virtual classrooms. There was however, the unexpected advantage that any threat in the school would not see virtual students, reducing their chance of serious harm. This data is currently being analyzed by the administration and we expect an email with the results in 6-8 months.
Anyhow, virtual lockdowns protect students from every possible school threat. ”Attackers in the school would have a 0% chance to harm the virtual students,” Toronto Police Services stated. Also, according to a Mackenize data management study, virtual lockdowns also protect students from earthquakes, volcanoes, nuclear war, Covid-19, cyberbullying, and many other threats. “One desk sure can do a lot!” says one virtual Mackenzie student.
The high council now ingeniously plans to ban lockdowns. This is in an effort to protect students from Covid-19 as lockdowns always occur when our case counts are highest. “All in all, this was a pretty awesome lockdown drill,” says one Mackenzie student who also experienced wifi issues and was unable to return into class after.
Toronto ON – Mackenzie students are aghast following an announcement from the Mackenzie administration that new “virtual hallways” will be introduced between Zoom classes. The regulation intends to combat rising concern over students’ mental health by re-exposing them to overcrowded and generally stress-inducing spaces during the COVID-19 pandemic. “The logic is sound,” affirmed acting Deputy VP of Student Affairs, Felipe Castro. “We are very proud to bring back an essential element of pre-COVID student life for Mackenzie students,” he continued.
Teachers also seemed interested in the prospect of issuing virtual hall passes for students who wish to go back to loitering outside of class instead of going to the washroom. When asked whether they would consider issuing virtual hall passes for students, 70% of teachers answered “yes”, while the rest said that students should “go to the washroom during lunch”.
Meanwhile, new virtual hall monitors have indicated they intend to enforce the same rules virtually as they had in-person. “There will be no eating lunch on the virtual second floor,” declared the Mackenzie hallway spokesperson, Felipe Castro Jr. II. He went on to deny any relation to the aforementioned acting Deputy VP of Student Affairs, Felipe Castro; however, his claims are disputed by The Flounder’s best experts.
TORONTO, ON – This morning, the Toronto District School Board announced that schools would remain open today due to the negligible impact of last night’s snowfall. The announcement comes as school boards across the Greater Toronto Area demonstrated their frailty by closing schools.
“By any reasonable standards, last night’s squall was exceptionally mild,” said Mr. Barbarossa, the TDSB’s top weatherman at the snow day decision desk. “Students woke up to a mere 2 metres of snow, winds were barely topping 200 km/h, and the temperature was not even −40℃.”
The board’s decision to keep schools open was popular among students and universally praised on social media. “I can’t believe that…[the TDSB was brave enough to keep schools open for their] students. I am so…[fortunate to be able to go to] school!!!” said @HypothermicHarold on Twitter.
In addition to the announcement, the TDSB advises that students begin their commute to school earlier this week due to a 9000% increase in traffic jams caused by geese crossings.
We provide complete Timetable Management, Guidance Counselor Negotiation Assistance, and Leasing and Organization Services for students looking to reform their timetables. Call 1-800-111-1111.
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