Mackenzie Social Distancing Policies Put in Place Due to Gum-Related Injuries

"I now know how it feels to chew 5 gum… painful," says Yom Ama, a bubblegum abuse victim.
By: Dick Kickem

The 2020-2021 school year at Mackenzie requires staff and students to follow new social distancing policies to avoid cohesive chewable confectionary catastrophes, more commonly known as bubble trouble. Many students have found this adjustment difficult, however given the circumstances, it was a necessary policy to implement.

March 2020 marked the lockdown of schools after several bubblegum-related issues posed a risk to all denizens of Mackenzie. Shortly before this lockdown, students at Mackenzie had begun an illegal bubblegum black market, which soon escalated into a far greater issue. Long gone were the days of secretly smoking toilet rolls or eating drugs, for a new, much more dangerous form of addiction had been born.

Bubblegum from the gum brand Blow™ was modified by local drug kingpin James Simpson in order to increase bubble diameter. This new variant, known as Blow™: J. Simpson, did indeed increase bubble diameter by roughly 500%, however, there were many unforeseen side effects. Firstly, the rat poison used to strengthen the bubble seeps down the throat after chewing, causing irreparable damage to the body. A symptom of this is heavy coughing, hence the current stigma around coughing in public. Other than the health risks posed to the individual chewer, the bubbles have disastrous consequences when popped. According to quantum bubble-blowing physics and high-density flimflam theory, the bubbles are far too densely packed–leagues beyond bubble-blowing regulation. As a result, anyone within the vicinity of a pop experiences a blast comparable to several nuclear warheads.

In response to this issue, Mackenzie formed the Collective Regime Aimed at Pop-prevention (CRAP). After much deliberation with TDSB administrators, they created the current social distancing. The social distance of 2 metres helps avoid the blast radius, and mandating the use of masks is meant to prevent bubble blowing. Mackenzie’s new policies have kept the populace safe from further gum-related injuries for the time being, so they will stay in place as long as the risk of students Blow™-ing each other is present.

It is currently unknown why the rest of the world has adopted similar regulations despite the illicit sales only being conducted at Mackenzie. Expert trend analyst Reggie ÜnÜnÜn states, “Mackenzie is simply extremely fashion-forward. The rest of the world must have seen this as a fashionable trend and wanted to stay hip.” While it has yet to be verified, this is the most logical explanation one can assume.