December 2020 Issue[ View as PDF ]
Table of Contents
- Mackenzie Administration Commended After New Fundraising Initiative
- Quarantine From a Dog's Perspective
- The Flounder Labeled "Fake News Media" by the Lyon, Hallway Brawl Ensues
- TDSB Invites New Therapy Animal!
- Mackenzie Kills Two Birds With One Stone; Fights Climate Change and Gets AC
- Gym Class
- TDSB Implements New Supervision Policies for Virtual Classes
- An Open Letter
- Quarantine Goals: Before and After
Toronto, ON – Since the Ford government’s 2019 budget cuts to education, Mackenzie students’ learning has been impacted immensely. This week, Mackenzie school officials announced tentative plans to lease the Mackenzie computer lab to the National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA). As a result of the Ford budget cuts, Mackenzie admins have been scrambling to absolve some of the ever-growing school debt and this move is the latest of a series of initiatives to raise capital for the insolvent secondary school.
Known for its computationally powerful personal computers, the Mackenzie computer lab has been the shining star of Mackenzie, and is the epitome of technological innovation. The computers are well known for their outstanding ability for powerful calculations unintelligible to the human mind, such as running nearly four Google chrome tabs simultaneously and opening both a Word document and an Excel spreadsheet at the same time. Some have even claimed to have opened Adobe Photoshop.
“Mackenzie has always been a technology-orientated school,” explained Principal Johnson. “That’s why when NASA heard about our computers, they didn’t hesitate to ask for our assistance with their calculations.”
Last week, NASA conducted a preliminary assessment on the computers to get a better understanding of how much power they’ll have access to. While the plans have received near unanimous praise from TDSB teachers and officials, reactions from students have been a different matter.
“Bro, my G, no cap I be trippin’ balls yo when those NASA madlad mandems came in and interrupted my game, like bruh, literal waste yutes on God, honest, like actually not fire though,” said one disgruntled student.
While the immediate reactions from the proposed plans have certainly had a stark impact on the lives of Mackenzie students, a long term deal between NASA and Mackenzie Administration has yet to be reached.
Toronto, ON – The Flounder has been a polarizing force in Mackenzie’s school culture for years. Some love it; others hate it. Some think it is the most non-biased and factually correct news outlet around; while others think it is so fake that it must be satirical. However, fear of media polarization at William Lyon Mackenzie has escalated dramatically in recent days.
On Tuesday, the Lyon, one of Mackenzie’s most widely read news outlets, denounced its arch rival, the Flounder. In a scathing article, the Lyon called the Flounder “fake news media” and claimed it had “low ratings.”
As if this was not enough to widen the rift between the two factions, Flounder editor Gowan O’Duffy confronted Lyon writer Jimmy Minh in the Computer Science hallway, setting off a massive brawl in which social distancing was not maintained.
“This kind of division in the Mackenzie community is not appropriate,” pleaded the head of the William Lyon Mackenzie’s Department Of News, Robbie Li. “That is why we will be taking emergency action. From now on, all news will be censored, and any articles we deem as potentially disruptive to the school environment will be banned in a New York minute.”
The chief editor of the Lyon, Simon Gate, was available for comment. However, before the interview could commence, he said “that’s a very nasty question” and walked away.
TORONTO ON – On December 1st, William Lyon Mackenzie C.I. installed air conditioners, which run at full blast year round.
This fulfills multiple purposes for the school. First, it uses advanced freezing techniques to fight global warming, a centerpiece of Mackenzie’s genius green thumb.. Second, it revamps the school’s plan of freezing students to purge coronavirus transmission. “Colder than winter, graduated to kill all germs” quote 1/10 dentists. Third, the air conditioning satisfies the calls of the students for AC to make the school more comfortable, as the heat has been a risk to both learning and health.
This initiative, despite these three overpowering benefits, was only possible with the funding granted to Mackenzie as part of the Ontario’s Orange Initiative (green was taken). Each school was given $100,000 in order to achieve a net neutral effect on the environment by 2021.
The school, having procrastinated, was nearing the deadline, but could not concentrate since the school was burning hot. The school deliberated, then finally, regrouped with newfound effort to push the responsibility to the students. The students brainstormed and the rest is history.
While this idea was foolproof, Mackenize’s students are geniuses, which means they were living the fullest in the present and may have been a weensy-bit nearsighted in their idea (this may also be a side effect of the extreme heat). Now, in December, the school is at a frosty -43°C. While the students are quite cold, they are proud of their accomplishment, and are fine with the cold as long as they know it is for a good cause.
“It’s nice to know we’re making a difference,” one student said. “Though maybe we’ll start learning outdoors to avoid the cold”.
TORONTO, ON – Today, the Toronto District School Board implemented new supervision policies for virtual classes. The new policies require students to ask to leave the class and acquire a digitally-signed “home pass” before going to the washroom at home. It will also require students to provide schools with remote access to their computers and the installation of cameras outside students’ windows.
“The TDSB has always been a leading innovator in improving the safety and well-being of our students,” said a TDSB spokesperson. “Take, for example, the ‘home pass’ concept, which brings the safety that the hall pass provides into the homes of all our students. Or the cameras looking into students’ homes, which replaces the supervision that is usually provided by hall monitors and school security cameras. These new policies and innovations will help ensure that students are adequately supervised and kept safe at all times, even in a virtual setting.”
The new supervision policies are popular among school staff members who say that close supervision is key to keeping students safe. “How can students be trusted to go to the washroom at home without letting us know?” said a teacher. “They could be having private conversations!”
Some parents however, disapprove of the TDSB’s new policies. “Why is the TDSB encroaching on my children’s right to privacy?” demanded a mother of two. “Only I should be allowed to do that.”
No students could be reached for comment.
I cannot remember when we first met.
Even so, I can picture our first exchange. The moment we made eye contact. The first words we spoke to each other.
I saw you almost every day for the next 2 years.
But I took your company for granted. Only when the pandemic hit did I realize I never truly knew you.
I didn’t know your favourite colour. Your favourite band. Your favourite food. Who your friends were. If you had pets.
In fact, over the course of these 2 years, through all of our interactions, not once have I called you by your name.
The truth is, I never knew your name.
I sincerely regret taking you for granted. It’s impossible to imagine a lunchtime without your plastic utensils and food. Thank you for all these years of serving as Mackenzie’s cafeteria staff.