Mackenzie Student Sets New World Record For Longest Time Without Sleep

By: Y. Dawake

TORONTO, Ont. – Randy Gardner was once known as the Champion of Sleepless Days. The American set the world record for the longest time without sleep in 1964, by staying awake for 264 consecutive hours - exactly 11 days. What’s more, he set that record at the boyish age of 17. However, the unchallenged might of Randy Gardner is no more. Just last week, one of our very own Mackenzie students crushed him underfoot like one would crush a snail.

Mackenzie student Denny N. Denison miraculously managed to stay awake for 14 days, 9 hours, and 5 minutes. He was working on the grade 12 ICS ISP and, in order to finish, he stayed awake all night, every night, for two weeks straight. Upon completion of the project, Denison lost consciousness, and has yet to regain it. Unfortunately for Denison, he forgot to submit the project before losing consciousness, so he still received a zero (memory loss is a symptom of extreme sleep deprivation).

The medical community has reacted with shock and awe to the news of this feat. “This is absolutely unbelievable. It’s almost like someone made this up for a satirical newspaper”, said University Of Toronto medical sleep researcher, Dr. Jimmy Jameson.

McGill Health Sciences professor Jean-Guy Séguin was equally stunned. “To be honnête with vous, many of us in le field thought anyone who stayed awake that long would die from fatigue.” He then paused, before adding, “however, we may yet be proven right.”

The Flounder reached out to Denison for comment, but unfortunately Denison was unavailable due to being comatose.