Mackenzie Locker Size Protest Cancelled Due to Equipment Being Stuck in Lockers

"We were after locker space, not a void in space," says protest leader, Chirag Gupta
By: Ben Dover

Locker size at Mackenzie has been an issue plaguing students since the dawn of time (give or take a few years). The entirety of Mackenize’s science council deduced more crampage within dense lockers will cause intermolecular collapse and form a black hole. Considering the potential world-ending catastrophe and the sheer inconvenience, Mackenzie had finally begun taking steps for change.

On April 20th, 2020, the students used the popular online platform VROOM (Virtual Rendezvous Of Obscene Matters) to discuss remedies. The initial plan was to rebuild every locker at school, however using popsicle sticks and glue to remodel the school was supposedly a “safety violation”. In light of this news, a protest was organized to make their concerns known. The arts and crafts committee of the protest created a plethora of signs, posters, and merchandise to support the event (which can be found on their websiteün-ün-ün/LoveForLockers, where you can use code “ManifestDestiny68+1” for 10% off). After months of preparation, the protest had acquired the proper supplies, resounding support from the students, and even financial backing through email connections with the Prince of Nigeria. It was set to take place on October 26th, 2020.

However, come the 26th, tragedy struck. The storage team decided to make a statement by utilizing the lockers to illustrate their point. By storing the protest’s supplies in 1 locker, people would see firsthand how cramped the school lockers were. Unfortunately, the storage division forgot to carry the 2 when calculating how much the locker could handle. After reaching peak density, the locker imploded and the science department believes a black hole will be forming shortly. Thus, the protest was cancelled due to lack of equipment and a 73% loss in their numbers after several expedition teams sent for the supplies were sucked into the imploding mass. For the foreseeable future (roughly 3 more days before the black hole forms and humanity ceases to exist), no further protests will be held, so Mackenzie students will have to continue using cramped lockers.